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Today I Give Myself Permission

This is the first entry of my first blog.  I write this with a deep sense of gratitude for even being here in the first place.  When I look back I see how I had been trying to arrive for a while now, but as with life sometimes, I took the long way.

I am quite dreamy by nature and things constantly come and go in my mind.  Some go for good, a passing thought.  Others stick around and poke me intermittently until I can’t ignore them any longer.  I have journaled for years and figured the covers of those journals would perpetually house my most inner truths.  Until I finally fully embraced a truth about me – I like an audience.   I like to teach, learn, inspire, get inspired, and connect with people.  This is a perfect place for that.  So here I am, nervous that maybe no one will want to read my blog, excited that maybe someone will.

All too often we manage to talk ourselves out of our true desires.  But three things happened today that brought me here.

The first was in yoga class.  I was the last person in the room and as I walked back towards my mat, the sole one now left in the room, I saw where I practiced today.  It was the place I held during that class.  “Carve out a place for yourself everyday,” I thought.

On the way home, number two ensued after I checked the mailbox.  Pure excitement and curiosity bubbled up inside when I saw the key to the larger mailbox.  I wasn’t expecting anything.  It was a fairly large box to boot!  A peaceful smile warmed my heart when the return address revealed the sender was a dear friend and artist, Karen C.  The two minute drive to our house was full of anticipation for I knew what was inside.  After anxiously opening it with my husband I said, “I am full. It’s not even noon yet, and this day is full.”  I yearned to share that experience with everyone I know.  It was a life moment.  It deserves its own blog and that will be my second entry.  Stay tuned:)

I recently discovered the online meditations of Tara Brach.  That led me to her book True Refuge: Finding Peace and Freedom in Your Own Awakened Heart.  While reading that today, the third and final push occurred.  I was reading about the importance of allowing and observing all our emotions without judgement.  One of those simple, hard truths.  As a good student does, I practiced in that moment and asked myself what the root of the anxiety was that overcame me as I read that part.   For me personally, I have that reaction when I am doing something other than what I truly want to do in that moment.  But how could reading this book be the ‘wrong’ thing to do?  I was confused.  Instead of walking away and ignoring the feeling, I sat with it.   What I wanted was to tell my story about the box I received.  I wanted to start a blog.  Immediately, I told myself I couldn’t.  I went a step further and wrote down what was preventing me from having a blog:

  1. I don’t have time.

  2. I don’t have the money.

  3. I don’t want what inspires me to become a chore.

Wow.  Once on paper I rewrote them:

  1. I will have a blog with a free schedule and write when I can.

  2. I will start a free blog; I paid $60 for this one, but I am worth $60.

  3. What truly inspires me is always a pleasure to write about.

With that, I dove in without delay.  I figured out enough to get this far and to publish my first blog.

What I genuinely experienced today was the power of getting out of my own way.  I learned in yoga to carve a place for myself, the arrival of the box gave me a story to tell, and the anxiety I felt told me to do what my heart was asking me to do.  I gave myself permission to do what made me feel alive.  By reading this entry, you honour my courage to do that.  Thank you.

There is a lamp behind a chair in our living room.  About a month ago my husband set a timer on that lamp to come on in the early evening and to go off around midnight.   That light became an invitation, drawing me to the chair in that corner that I have ignored for a while.  I have been reading here, writing here, enjoying this space.  Today I create and write my first blog from this chair.  I saw an invitation in that light and accepted it. May you recognize and accept the next invitation that comes your way.

In the meantime, I invite you to join me as I get the hang of how to write a blog, how to customize this site, and learn all that lies ahead of me.  I believe that when we are on the right path things will naturally fall in place.  A special person, who didn’t know I was writing this, happened to send me this video on the same day I started this blog.  I’ll never say it as eloquently, but, this video encapsulates everything I feel and write about today.   It intensifies my desire to be here.   I have a vision, I have a dream, it starts here.

Warm Wishes,                                                                                                                            Paula

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